On The Wings Of Discovery...

Often there are times in our lives when we may 

find ourselves trying to understand our inner self 

as we wonder who we are and where we're going.  So often the deeper understanding of ourself will come right on the wings of our toughest challenges when our journey may seem darkest.  

Yet remember, it is darkness that makes stars shine brightest...

By the time I reached my forties years had passed since Patches and I had done The Ride.  I had been dealing with the reality of the very painful and severe spinal cord disease nothing could be done for.  No one knew how much worse it was going to become other than it was going to become MUCH worse.  And though two rounds of bone marrow treatments helped my plummeting blood counts, transfusions were still needed.  Then my first bout of cancer I had involved three surgeries on my left foot due to a malignant tumor found within.  So I was still having one surgery after another with many more yet to follow.  

This deep abiding courage of mine though is to not lose heart but to always keep surviva-soaring the fight of my present by pouring as much positivity into my living as I can with a gratitude attitude. 

However I hit a place where I was not depressed, but because I continually had to surmount so many very tough challenges since I was three I suddenly realized I was tired.  And I really did not know myself.  I had not had a chance to.  I knew I was a surviva-soarer, full of love, humour, optimism, and had a lot of boldness.  Yet who was I beyond these?

Self understanding often eludes us no matter who we are.  To be able to grab it we need to reach that place within where we really WANT TO attain self understanding before it is ours to hold.

I found my self understanding in my beloved book, "A Touch Of Wonder," by Arthur Gordon I have often referred to here.  You see, Mr. Gordon had found himself at the same kind of place too only he was REALLY struggling with it because he felt depressed.  One does not have to be severely challenged to feel this way.  Or be a Little Person.

So to keep this from getting too long I will be paraphrasing here...

Mr Gordon went to his old small town doctor and poured out his struggle.  The doctor, a wise perceptive man asked where he had been happiest in his life.  For him it was the beach near them.  At that the doctor took out his prescription book, wrote out four prescriptions, folded them, and told Mr. Gordon to pack a lunch and go to the beach the next day by 9am.  Then he was to look at one of the scripts every three hours.  

[So I went to the beautiful farm where I had Patches with my "A Touch Of Wonder," book in hand.]

The first prescription had the words, "Listen Carefully."  Mr. Gordon climbed a sand dune.  He realized there were tiny sounds below the larger ones if he listened carefully by sticking his head into the sea grasses.  

[So I stuck my head into the field grasses as Patches chomped on grass nearby.]

Mr. Gordon realized if you truly listen to something outside of yourself and silence the clamorous voices and noise within the mind rests.  Then, as he gazed upon the ocean he began thinking of the immensity of it.  

[I lay on my back and gazed up at the vast sky.]  

Mr. Gordon realized that by thinking of all the natural things like oceans [and sky] bigger than us, there is a sense of peacefulness to hold onto.  [Like a separate peace.]

At noon Mr. Gordon took out the next prescription and it said, "Try Reaching Back."  

"Back to what?" he wondered, then realized it was his past obviously.  Yet because the doctor had Mr. Gordon go to his most "happy place" (the beach), in his life, he realized the doctor meant for him to focus on happy memories.  Positive memories.  So he lay down in the warm sand.  

[I laid down near Patches again in the warm field grass.]  

By deliberately reaching back holding his happiness places Mr. Gordon realized little flashes of power like tiny sources of inner strength came forth.  

[When I did this, for the first time in my life I suddenly grabbed hold of all the many special "happiness places and people" interspersed throughout my very unhappy childhood I had kept buried with the unhappiness.  Several of which have been shared here.  This was big for me.]  

As he remembered, he felt a sudden glow of warmth within.

The next three words were more like a command:  "Examine Your Motives."  At first he felt a bit defensive saying to himself, "What's wrong with wanting to be a success or having a certain amount of recognition?"  Then his inner voice he had reawakened spoke, "Maybe those motives alone are not enough."

Suddenly Mr. Gordon realized his writing and much of his life had lost it's sweet spontaneity.  He realized his sense of giving something, of inspiring people had been lost at a almost frantic clutch for security.  If one's motives are wrong we can lose our way.  

[I realized how much of my life had been spent fighting the challenges of dwarfism coming from a very sad and violent childhood, and then all the years of the never ending physical battles.  My fierce determination to plunge back into life so hard when free from hospitals became my motives to keep rising above the challenges.  I never knew my inner self because I was fighting so hard just to keep surviving.]

"Examine Your Motives," Mr. Gordon thought was the hard part of the "treatment."  For the challenge to reappraise was meant to bring one's motives into alignment with one's inner self and being.  But the mind must first be clear and receptive to do this, thus the quiet self discovery with the first two prescriptions.

Mr. Gordon recognized the powerful therapeutic progression in these words the doctor prescribed and their value to anyone facing difficulty or seeking self discovery.  

As he walked across the beach he read the words on the final prescription:  "Write Your Worries In The Sand."  So kneeling in the sand he wrote the worries one after another.  

[I obviously was not at a beach yet being an artist, had brought a sketchbook and pencils with me.  So I wrote my worries down.]  

Then Mr. Gordon turned and walked away from the troubles he wrote in the sand, knowing the tide would soon come in and wash them away.  

[I tore the page I had written mine on into tiny pieces then let the wind blow them away.  For I had found myself.]