Give All To Love...

Give all to love,

Throw open thy heart,
Follow it utterly,
Hope beyond hope,
Far and high,
With wing unspent,
Soar into the sky,
And ever ascend.

             ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dip Into Your Soul...

Webster's Dictionary definition for the word listen is to pay attention to sound such as music, nature, or talk; to hear with thoughtful attention; to give consideration by listening; to be alert to hear.

I learned a powerful quote from "To The Lighthouse" many years ago I strive hard to abide by, both in my spoken words, and the written ones online.  As I have shared, I know deeply the painful effects of words meant to ridicule and be mean all too well, for I encounter them each time I leave my home.  Words whether spoken or written have the power to either hurt, anger, inspire, convey love, laughter, or wonder.  The quote?  To listen more than one speaks is a rare gift.

To listen becomes a rare gift when we become aware and strive TO listen more than we speak.  Or as we "speak" through social media online.

In his amazing, beautiful book, "The Prophet," Kahlil Gibran touches on this subject in the context of talking.  He says when we do not listen we cease to be at peace with our thoughts and we no longer dwell in the needed solitude of our heart.  Then the words from our lips (or fingers) becomes a diversion and a pastime, and in so doing our ability to listen and think are diminished like a caged bird.  We often tend to do this through fear, such as insecurity, and of aloneness because the silence of being alone with our thoughts is so revealing, we speak without listening.

I love the quote about artists...that we dip our brushes deep within ourselves painting our very soul in our paintings.  Most of us cannot create unless we spend a great deal of time in solitude.  So what I call stinking thinking has no place in the needed peace of thoughts within as I paint my soul in my work.  The same with my piano playing.  And writing this blog.

We need to listen deeply.  There is magic when we do.  On a windy day place your head deep into the grass of a field and listen.  You will hear sounds upon sounds.  Or listen to the waves of an ocean.  Nature is full of rhythm.  And if you listen deeply, everything pauses for a moment.  I gave my horse Selah that name because it means peace or pause.  Remember the word Selah.  Speaking of horses, one of the most wonderful sounds I love the best of all are hearing the clippity cloppity of hooves upon the ground.  And the neigh in response to my calling their name.

Now to return to the rare gift of listening.  Everywhere in the world these days are many ceaselessly talking and writing without listening, with no regard to the hate, anger, truth, fear, sadness and hurt they unleash.  We cannot avoid it.  Yet what we CAN do is strive to nurture the rare gift of listening within ourselves.  We have the power within to do this.  All it takes is a tiny seed to make a huge tree grow, dear ones.

There is peace in silence.  And remember, to listen more than one speaks (or writes) is a rare gift.

Selah.💫

A Sense Of Loyalty...

We are all in the same boat on a stormy sea these days, and we owe each other loyalty.

          ~G. K. Chesterton

I Never Imagined THIS...

I never ever imagined writing a blog like this...

As I was getting my mail today a man pickup truck with a "Make America Great Again" bumper sticker on it stopped and began yelling at me why in light of my being a "m*dg*t" I not just throw in the towel.  Why do I continue trying to live.  That I should get it over with because "ones like ME...need to," HE said.  

This pissed me off.  As I have shared here before when encountering this level of hate these days it is not safe for me to respond because we do not know what it is we're dealing with or how far they can go.  Or if they have a gun on them.  So I must stuff my rage.

Please bear with me though as I express it here.  

How dare anyone tell me to do away with myself to make the world better!  If I have never thought of doing it in sixty-five years, I sure as hell am not now. 

WHY? 

Because "throwing in the towel" is NOT...ME.  I was born with an indomitable fighting spirit which is all I have ever known and have fought like hell from childhood to keep rising above one challenge after another, never giving up for.  It is NOT in my psyche TO give up.  Even after Aiden died.  Even as sick as I am now.  Even with the ridicule.  "Throwing in the towel" is NOT...my...truth,

and never has been. 

WHY?

Because my indomitable spirit has always embraced an innate sense of courage and gratitude for the many reasons in my life TO WANT to LIVE.  To keep pouring everything within me to experience LIFE at its fullest.

Because despite any challenges I have endured, the beauty, goodness, wonders, and the joy of my LIVING have filled any places sorrow dare carved or the horrors of illness.

WHY?

Because I still have a right to be here.  I still have many reasons yet to BE here.  Because I am still making a difference in other lives.  By trying to finish art projects.  By writing this blog and keeping it going.  By still touching lives of people around the world I do not even know.  By still touching lives of people around the world

I am so blessed and so damn grateful TO know and care about who make my life worth fighting for each moment, each day.

WHY?

Because I also matter to those everywhere who make my life worth fighting for.  And they don't give a damn how my body is packaged.

WHY?

I will NOT be defeated by the ugliness in the world 

now either, nor should anyone else.  I embrace gratitude and kindness and so do all whose lives make mine worth fighting for.

My dear ones, how blessed we are.  We are love.  Never ever let go of that.  Walk in love and defy all hate.  Love is stronger than hate.  

And the love or hate we live defines how we are remembered after we are gone.

If We Open Our Hearts To Them...

I think I could turn and live with animals, for they are so placid and self contained.  I stand and look at them long and long.  They do not sweat and whine about their condition.  Not one is dissatisfied, not one is demented with the mania of owning things.  Not one kneels to another, nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago. 

                                                Walt Whitman 

Animals make us better humans if we open our hearts to them.  A.

Free To Wander With A Horse...

I was born under a wandering star...

When I get to Heaven,

Tie me to a tree,
For I will begin to roam again,
And you'll know where I will be.
                          
                               ~Paint Your Wagon


I thank God that I have been free to wander, free to hope, and free to love...

My dear ones, you probably have gathered by now my journey has taken me to many places.  And it has indeed...in between the many MANY hospital stays.  I daresay because of those, I would plunge back into life and the joy of living with intensity, knowing yet another stay was imminent.  Also I knew there would come a time when I couldn't live with the same intensity at all anymore due to the very deteriorating physical battles ahead.  I am definitely at that place now, but with a profound sense of gratitude I was able to experience the thrill of getting to see what was beyond each new horizon so very much along the way.  And make many dear friends...with two legs and four legs.  Of course some of those four legs went where I went.

The amazing thing is how I managed to do it all.  Even more so as a Little Person.

My friend Devon used to say, "As long as Adelaide has her horse, cat, and drawing table, she just bravely follows the wind wherever it blows.  Being physically challenged doesn't keep her from having the joy of living.  Or making things happen."

Once when still young, I followed the wind across three states pulling my horse Selah in a horse trailer behind me.  Anywhere I stopped for gas and coffee, I really shocked the hell out of people seeing this Little Person traveling alone...with a horse?!!  A cat too, actually.😃

"Lady, is that your horse?" [Can't you see I am pulling it behind me?!!🤔]

"Yep."

"How do you get ON it?!!"

Sigh.🙄

Sometimes we just have to plunge forth, be brave, and suck out the marrow of life.  Perhaps be even a little bit crazy too?🐎🤣🐎

Friends Come To Us In Many Ways...

A friend is one to whom one may pour out
all the contents of one's heart, 
chaff and grain together, 
knowing that the gentlest 

of hands will take and sift it, 

keep what is worth keeping, 

and with the breath of kindness, 

blow the rest away.

                          ~Arabian Proverb

 

Disastrous Hilarity...

THIS is a very funny story NOW, but to me way back THEN, I definitely was NOT very amused.🥴

During one of my many long hospital stays I had asked my dear friends Bob and Tom to visit the farm to check on my pony Sadie.  That was ALL they had to do.  "What could possibly go wrong?" I thought.  But you see one day things did not quite happen as planned and they screwed up.  I mean they VERY ROYALLY screwed up.🙄

Since Bob and Tom knew Sadie could pull a cart they had what THEY thought was a very bright idea one day.  Only I didn't own a cart nor did I like them because I wanted to be ON my horses...not BEHIND them!🐎  However I did have Sadie's cart harness which came with her.  Unfortunately the guys knew WHERE the harness was kept.🙃

So they decided to make a two wheel cart.  They were really very proud of themselves too.  In fact THEY thought what they built was brilliant.  The most brilliant pony cart in history.🤔

Somehow the inexperienced Bob and Tom managed to get the harness on Sadie they told me later.  Then they attached it to this very brilliant homemade cart the two were so proud of.  And perhaps it really just might have worked too, who knows?🤫  

But you see ONE of them had the ridiculous bright idea to shake with gusto a huge, very LOUD old cowbell one could hear in the next county to get Sadie moving.😱

Oh, Sadie moved all right.  She absolutely went FLYING!  I heard from other sources after they could quit laughing long enough to tell me, Sadie even reached a speed making her quite capable of reaching the next county in ten seconds!  

Only that didn't happen you see.  For neither the very brilliant cart nor the harness survived.  What did remain on Sadie though got caught around a tree which not only stopped her but brought my pony to her knees until she could be extracted.  Thankfully SADIE was fine though.😃

However the cart was NOT fine, ending up in many 

bits and pieces strewn everywhere.  In fact one of the wheels was never seen again.  

And the guys?  AND THE GUYS?!!😳

Since they both knew I would be hearing about this Bob and Tom decided they had better hurry up and visit me FAST to confess before the news could reach me.  Uh, that is once they were released from the emergency room of the same hospital I was in upstairs.🤫  

So imagine my surprise when Bob and Tom entered my room with Bob's arm broken in a cast and sling, and Tom hobbling in on crutches due to a VERY sprained ankle.😱

At first I was very upset they both had been injured in some terrible, horrible way.  

And then...AND THEN they told me, beginning first to quickly assure me Sadie was fine.  Hearing THIS my compassion level for them suddenly dropped.  

Hearing the rest of what happened my compassion PLUMMETED.  I mean REALLY plummeted all the way to the depths of oblivion folks.  For a few moments I even considered throttling them.  

They were scared too.  Both admitted later how very grateful they were I was unable to get out of the bed to make their injuries any worse.🥴

Realizing they obviously had suffered enough and would have some scars to live with, I couldn't help but to laugh.  And laughing so hard tears were running down my cheeks.  We all three did.  In fact we have been laughing ourselves silly about this very "brilliant" endeavor of theirs for many years now.😂

Yet one thing became certain though.  For those two now knew better than to ever...EVER try using one of MY horses for any...ANY bright ideas they may have again.🐎😂🐎😂🐎

The Reason Why...

That which doesn't break us makes us stronger.

I have often been asked what I think my life could have been like had I not been height challenged.  At times I have wondered this too.  As my parents were both unstable alcoholics long before I came along there is a chance without being born height challenged I could have followed their path which is chilling.  

As it is, I came packaged with an indomitable spirit, sense of humour, positivity, creativity, boldness...all the things needed for my life for whatever reasons why.  If nothing else then but the ways I have had to surmount the many daunting neverending challenges my whole way that others may be inspired.  At least this is what I hope.

I have touched on briefly the horrors of my childhood, focusing more on the friends and bright aspects of my young journey instead.  Today I am opening that door wider.  Yet what this especially shows is not so much the sorrow of abuse, but the sheer determination I had to not let it define me, and the miracles of my four mentor friends being there when needed most, to love me on my way.  And did they ever.

As a child the way my mother handled my being gawked at, was to constantly "hiss" to me, "It's all your fault!  You're the reason they're staring at us!"  Then she would rush off in anger.

What is a child in my body supposed to do with that?

I had to hear it constantly, and have it pointed out to 

me how it was all my fault, for something I had no way of changing.  I cannot begin to put into words the helplessness and humiliation I felt.  Later when Joseph came up with The Dwarf Card, this is why I was able to free myself and rise above what was instilled so deeply in me.

As I touched on here previously, my father took me deep into a woods in winter when I was five with the intent to abandon me.  When he drove away, he realized what he was doing and returned.  Yet I never forgot that terror and feeling of abandonment because I KNEW he was abandoning me.

The violence through the years was never ending.  Drunken beatings for no reason, and I always felt the dwarfism was why.  Since I never knew the direction my father's rages would take, what may work one time to keep him from as much violence would not work the next, and I lived in constant fear.

When I was young and began crying, his rage became worse, so I made myself stifle my tears.  I was a young adult before my four mentor friends helped me learn how to cry and feel safe crying.  Eventually, I could finally get all the painful sorrow of the years out.

They also had to show me what it was like to be touched GENTLY too, for at first I would literally cringe when touched and pull back.  Yet at the same time, I was starved for hugs and loving words.  Nora, the devil she could be at times, really went out of her way to keep hugging me, determined to free me from cringing when touched, and believe me, she did.  Soon it was hard to believe I ever cringed when touched, because I began making up for lost time hugging them!

I was seventeen when my father went into his last drunken rage badly injuring me.  The more I tried to fight back the worse he became.  As soon as I could I called Ella, who immediately came to get me late at night, and I left.  Since Ella lived out of my school district and I had yet to finish high school, Jackie's elderly mother had a room available so I stayed there.

I believe in miracles, because my art is what threw open the door to the dearest friends I could possibly have who were there when I needed help the most.  Just very special people who cared.  And loved.  They would say I am the reason miracles unfolded in my journey, but I believe they are.

Gibran wrote, "The deeper sorrow carves into our soul the more joy we attain."

Though the often horrific sorrows of my childhood deeply carved into my soul, my courage and resolve with the miracles of four very special mentor friends 

are why I soared and attained joy.  

Oh, so much joy!

Just think, had I not been born height challenged with the kind of childhood I had so many wonderful, funny, amazing, inspiring things would not have happened you are reading about here!  

My unique set of circumstances are why my journey has been a gift of joyful attainment for myself and the many who have encountered me.  

And now for you.

The Bed...

As my career as a Theatre Set Designer began winding down I was working for a small theatre.  We were doing a play which had a domineering mother.

Since the play had a scene where a full size bed was needed, Emily, the Artistic Director and I went to a local thrift shop.

"Adelaide, I like this one!"

"I don't know, Emily.  It doesn't appear to be sturdy enough for what we need it for."

"Well I think it is and Matt will like the price."

[Why do people want to drag you along with them for your expert advice and then not listen to it?]🙄

Matt was the Executive Director and we in the back could clearly see Emily had a thing for him.  This really has no bearing on the story aside from the fact the actors in the play always felt the bed was getting used for more than just being a prop and could have possibly contributed to the hilarious disaster I am about to share with you.

The big huge grand finale scene at the end of Act I involves the couple in the play who are madly in love with each other.  The man's very meddlesome mother though had other views about his love interest.  He also forgot about giving his mother a key to his apartment. 

So Mom just knows that "woman" has lured her son to bed.  Sneaks into the bedroom at a climatic moment and proceeds to faint, falling right smack onto the bed in-between our couple as Act I ends.

At least this is how it was supposed to go.

When Grace fainted and fell onto the bed between Ethan and Anna, the what Adelaide tried to tell Emily could happen...happened.  

The bed collapsed.

Oh did it collapse. 

The problem was the foot end of the bed remained intact up high while the head end sunk to the depths, putting these three in a helpless position of escaping. 

Not only that they became stuck in the sheets.

Worse than that even they were drowning in laughter as we all were aside from Emily and Matt, who were NOT laughing.  We didn't care.

By now the audience was drowning in laughter too.

The only thing we could do was dim the lights as the crew pushed bed and actors safely to the wings.

But you see this didn't quite work.

When they pushed the bed it broke apart more.

Normally the curtains would have been drawn but the bed was downstage near front and drawing the curtains couldn't help.

This is the moment when first Matt, then Emily rushed out to assist the crew by gathering up pieces of the bed like firewood behind the hysterically laughing actors, crew, then Stage Manager, Director of the play, and a certain little Scene Designer doing the same in the wings.

When Ethan could finally stand up backstage he had something very enlightening to share.

"Uh Matt, didn't you say someone had stolen your wallet the other day?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well look what WE found when the bed collapsed!"

Then Grace, who had a wicked sense of humor held up a bra.

"Emily, I believe this must belong to YOU then."

Ohhh those two were screwed.  Really screwed.

You see the Director of the play just happened to be Matt's wife.😱

Only by now though SHE WASN'T LAUGHING.

Soon after Emily disappeared, Matt had to get new digs in town...AND a new job while his Ex became the new Executive Director of our theatre.

She even kept part of the bed as a memento.😂🎭

My Dear Rothschild's...

I have written about Mr. Rothschild earlier here.  Briefly, he was across the room from me following my first spine surgery at nineteen, when I refused to give up walking again the first time.  And I didn't.  

Mr. Rothschild had a knee surgery, was in terrible pain and having a struggle to recover.  That is, until he witnessed what I was accomplishing by not giving up.  It completely changed him, and together we walked a mini-marathon race crossing the finish line with our doctors and nurses there applauding us.

I was friends with both Mr. and Mrs. Rothschild for years.  And it is a touching part of their story I write about today, for it personifies the Compassion quote of mine I often share here.

The Rothschild's were wealthy yet were not defined by it, nor did they "wear" it.  They lived in a regular house 

in a pleasant neighborhood with the acreage just large enough for two horses.  Because I happened to own horses too, we were also drawn together by our shared equine passion.

The Rothschild's longtime maid told this story at a Memorial service for the Rothschild's when both had passed away after living into their eighties...

Ms. Carrie emotionally told how at Mrs. Rothschild's request, she went to see her about working for them.  When she arrived Mrs. Rothschild had coffee and cake set for them in the living room.  Not something Ms. Carrie would have ever expected at all.  Soon, her life would change beyond her wildest dreams though.

To sum it up Mrs. Rothschild was horrified and outraged to hear what Ms. Carrie was being paid for doing six days of work.  The Rothschild's began paying Ms. Carrie quadruple of what she was getting and for only five days a week!

Furthermore, they set up a college fund for Ms. Carrie's son who went on to become a doctor because of this kindness.  See the ripple effects of compassion I often write about?😃

Because Ms. Carrie desperately needed dependable transportation, the Rothschild's helped her get a car to further give her the chance to have a better life.  Then with their connections they later helped Ms. Carrie even get a home.

Ms. Carrie became a long trusted part of the family, remaining with them nearly sixty years.  Tears streamed down her face as she shared this.  Tears were pouring down everyone's faces hearing this.

Without my having asked them, the Rothschild's also contributed a large sum to the trust fund set up for The Ride my horse Patches and I did several years after our friendship began.  Mr. Rothschild was even part of my entourage following Patches and I that day!😃

The Rothschild's personified all that is good and kind, by using their wealth and compassion to make many positive ripple effects spreading out touching lives then and touching lives still.💕

They will forever be loved and remembered dearly for the compassion they poured forth like ripples of water.

Hold Fast To Your Dreams...

The following two pieces may not be enough for a Blog entire, yet are both oh so powerful.  May you be inspired, for if you believe you are, you will be.  

Hold fast to your dreams,

For if dreams die,

Life is a broken winged bird
That cannot fly.

              -Langston Hughes (1902-1967)

Langston Hughes was a beloved African American poet and writer from the Harlem Renaissance to his death in 1967.  I discovered him through the above poem, when I was fourteen.  And I needed him.  I was struggling with what life could hold for someone like me.

My home life as a child was a very unstable one due to alcoholism, violence, and the insecurities my parents had with the dwarfism.  This was many years before the Internet and all they were told about the dwarfism when I was a baby is I would be perfect for the circus.  When as a child all I could see of those like me were The Munchkins, and the actor Michael Dunn, who was well known for his role on Wild Wild West, it is very isolating.  But they were all I had to identify with. 

This didn't stop me from having friends though, or letting my height challenge keep me from doing what everyone else was doing.  I was determined it wouldn't.  However, outside my circle of friends, I had to deal with the insidious constant ridicule and meanness of both kids and adults.  With little help from parents.

Then one day I came across the poem above.  I found all I could on Mr. Hughes whose work became my lifeline.  And in so doing, I learned in great depth the terrible discrimination African Americans had faced and were enduring.  

All this coinciding with the events of the Civil Rights movement and demonstrations of the 1950's and 1960's.  I read all I could about all of the lives of African Americans both past and present...and somehow, I felt less alone.  Our challenges were different, and yet, the same.

So in feeling less alone, I held fast to my dreams, and my determination to fly.

Hold fast to your dreams, my dear ones, and soar.

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest 

in it today.  Embrace heaven.  The gloom of the world 
is but a shadow; behind it, and yet within our reach, is 
joy.  Embrace joy.
                                                  ~Fra Giovanni

These words below were found on a gravestone here in the south, of a lady who passed away in 1865:

"Ever she sought the best, ever she found it."

The stone also indicates she died of a fever.  She died 
as the brutal Civil War was ending...when the south had lost the war, was shattered, destroyed, humiliated, and in poverty.  She herself, may have lost family, and everything she owned.  And yet, those who knew her, and loved her, had the words, "Ever she sought the best, ever she found it," engraved on her stone.  Why?  Because she lived those words...embraced those words, uplifting those around her.

Think of the sheer courage to be found in those words, 
the hope, the dignity, the purpose.  And happiness.

Most of all, think of all the treasure pouring forth in the words.  They are saying what we look for in life in the midst of our challenges, we find because the direction we choose is ours.

Remember the blog I wrote recently on those two very powerful little words, "and yet?"😃  They go hand in 
hand with this.

Search for the best, my dear ones, and strive to reach beyond the gloom. 

Ever we strive to seek the best, ever we may grasp it.

With Wings Of Feathers

A life without purpose is like jumping off a cliff and THEN 

trying to build wings on your way down. 

 ~Ray Bradbury

Knowing The Moment...

Though I majored in Theatre Scene Design, part of 

the curriculum also involved taking an Acting course, Costuming, Light Design, and Stage Management classes too, so one had a broad sense of Theatre.  Acting majors had to do this as well.  It actually turned out I was a damn good actress.  And a great Lighting Designer.  But for me, Theatre Scene Design is where my heart was and always has been.💕🎭

There is a very important thing we were taught in acting, and that is knowing the moment.  This also applies to those knowing when to act or not to act moments in our lives we encounter.  Because we all have those moments of decision.  

Yet sometimes we plunge forth, only the timing isn't right.  Then if we wait for the right timing, the moment goes sailing right by us.  If an actor misses the cue or isn't prepared, the whole play can flop.  So just knowing there IS a moment that is THE MOMENT can help us learn when to act or not.👍

However we shouldn't plunge forth into a moment of huge decision making when we are right smack in the midst of overwhelming emotions like grief, anger, envy, impatience, fear, or resentment.  Step back, take a deep breath, and wait a moment.

Remember everything happening NOW determines 

the FUTURE.  So try to gauge the pros and cons of this decision or that one.  You see the same timing vital to show business is vital to our decision making whether we act or not.👍

In my recent blog, "When My Surgeon Cried," I touched on the story about my second spine surgery two days before Christmas, when everything went wrong during surgery (none of this the fault of my surgeon), and I was paralyzed.  Thankfully though, there was still movement in my toes, so with my determination and a hard won battle, I again learned to walk over time.  What I didn't touch on, was why I made the decision to have the surgery done the week of Christmas in the first place.  This was major spine surgery.  Even if everything had gone right, I was still going to be in hospital well beyond the New Year holiday too.

In theatre, decisions are usually made on which productions will be done a year in advance or longer.  Sets are typically begun in the spring or sooner, for the following new season beginning in the fall of that year.  Often Christmas can be a slow time for the designers.  Wanting to lose as little time as necessary from my work, I had to make a critical decision for what was best.  

I had another concern too though.  Winters can be very unpredictable.  There was my dear Patches who at that time was only six months old.  During that same year we were in a severe drought, but I was bringing him through it.  I weighed my options.  Talked with other boarders, as well as both the Executive Director and Artistic Director of the theatre I was working for then.  

Thankfully I had their full support. 

So with the support of my theatre and my fellow boarders who assured me Patches would be taken care of as needed during the winter, my doctor and I went ahead and scheduled the spine surgery two days before Christmas.

I awoke in ICU on Christmas Day.  From there it took me nearly four months to get from bed to cane.  And six months without a cane.  By the time sets needed to be prepared for the following season I was able to do them, even while still using the cane at first.

Though things certainly did not go as planned during the surgery, because I had made myself step back and weigh everything before I acted, scheduling the surgery right before Christmas turned out to be the best decision for all regarding timing.  I knew my moment.

We have to learn to trust our instincts and be patient with knowing the moment.  But patience is not easy.  Believe me, I know.  Especially when faced with huge decisions.  Yet what IS patience, but using some restraint for just a bit like a gentle pulling back on the reins I did a thousand times through the decades?👍 

Knowing The Moment takes stepping outside of ourselves TO know The Moment and focus.  This is what actors do.

This is also what a Little Scene Designer learned on her challenging galloping journey too.🐎😃🐎💫

The Renegade Horse...

In the horse world there is an old saying that a green horse with a green owner will be a disaster.  For those unfamiliar with equine lingo the word "green" in this context means untrained and INEXPERIENCE.  Also the green owner refuses to (a) admit he/she is green and (b) listen to those with more experience.🙄

Remember Danny?  The guy who tinkered on cars insisting he was a good mechanic when he wasn't, whose brakes went out when I needed a ride as we careened down a steep hill at high speed, driving around the Higgins' driveway loop FIVE times waving and smiling to the Higgins on their veranda without ever stopping because we couldn't?!!  THAT Danny!🤣

As I had shared, just-a-friend Danny and I knew each other because he boarded his horse at the same farm as I did mine.  Now Danny had never owned a horse before or had any experience with horses, but he stubbornly refused to admit he was inexperienced because in HIS eyes the westerns he watched as a kid gave him all the learning he would ever need in handling a horse.🤔

Danny found an unbelievable deal on a tiny two year old filly he named Renegade.  We tried to tell him the reason why Renegade was cheap is because she was so young and only "greenbroke," meaning she accepted a saddle, bridle, and human on her.  And perhaps she had been taught how to go and stop but Renegade was FAR from being a trained horse.🥴

Another thing about horses is they know in a heartbeat if their hooman knows what they are doing or not.  If they know their hooman doesn't know a damn thing, why they are THRILLED to be able to take advantage of this situation without hesitation and can do it extremely well.🤣

Immediately after Danny and Renegade came upon the scene the stories began circulating between the rest of us helplessly witnessing this disaster unfolding before our eyes.  There wasn't a thing we could do though because Danny refused to hear any advice saying, "I know what I'm doing, thank you kindly."🙃

Here are just two incidents of the Danny/Renegade disaster...

If horses think they can get a hooman off their back, they will.  One day Danny and Renegade came charging up the hill full gallop to the barn area.  Only Renegade refused to stop you see, when Danny pulled the reins to stop.  

Ohhh, this gets worse...

There was this horrid DEEP stink to high heaven sludge "pond" way beyond the barn which once contained hogs.  Renegade charged to the edge of this awful sludge "pond" and slammed to a stop.  Danny went flying over her head right smack into the DEEP STINKING SLUDGE!  Just covered in it.🤣 

He blamed the bridle.  But it wasn't...the...bridle. 

Next, Danny decided he and Renegade would ride off farm one day with Ben, John, and I riding our horses.  We TRIED to dissuade Danny because we knew this was not going to turn out well.  But Danny wouldn't hear of it.  So off the four of us went.😬

We were headed to the trails.  For a brief stretch we travel on a one lane road then reach an intersection to cross a two lane road leading into town.  The more seasoned horses knew the sounds of traffic, but apparently not Renegade yet.😮

As we began riding across the intersection a nearby truck backfired.  Renegade took off in terror down the busy two lane road.  We could see Danny trying hard to hold on as cars hurried out of the way or stopped as Renegade flew on.  

A policeman tried to help by squawking his siren, which trust me DID NOT HELP SLOW Renegade down at all, as he tried to warn motorists of the runaway horse and rider.🥴

John, Ben, and I rushed back to the farm to get John's truck and horse van.  I stayed to get their saddles and bridles off their horses, the bridle off Bashum, fed them, and waited.

This was in the days before cellphones.  Finally the barn phone rang.  It was Danny.

"Awww, Miz Adelaide, I should've listened to all of you!"

"Danny!  Are you and Renegade okay?!!  Ben and John are out looking for you with the truck and horse van!"

"Well, Renegade and I are okay, but we sure caused a LOT of trouble for many people!  The school buses couldn't leave the school because all the Main Street traffic was forced to stop just because of us.  Then when Renegade did finally stop it was at this man's prize rose bushes in full bloom and I went flying into them and took out those prize rose bushes and oh man is he pissed!  The police aren't happy with me either."😖

"We'll talk about this later.  Where ARE you?"

"In front of the Sheriff's office.  With Renegade.  I think they would have locked us BOTH up if they could have fit Renegade into the cell with me!"🙄
  
"Be on the watch for the guys trying to find you, okay?!!  Call me back in ten minutes.  I'm going to hang up in case the guys call."

They did and I told them where to find Danny and Renegade.  Ben told me traffic was still snarled.  Then a policeman saw them, who promptly escorted them to the sheriff's office so they could pick up the renegade horse and rider who threw the whole town into complete chaos.  Besides destroying a poor man's prize rose bushes!

Back in those days the small town of Wildwood 

still had its' own newspaper.  Usually not much ever happened to report about.  However, "The Renegade Horse And Rider," story with pictures filled the front page!🙄

At first the rest of us feared we would no longer have access to the trails via the crossing but the townspeople realized there had never been a problem before in all the years the farm had boarders, so we very gratefully were allowed to continue.😃

Danny?  And Renegade? 

Danny was cited for disturbing the peace.  Then of course had to make restitution for the prize roses destroyed.  My fellow boarders and I gave the man honey from the beehives one kept, another a small quilt she made, Ben and John repaired his fence, and I gave him two of my prints.  We happily succeeded with our intent to leave he and his wife with a much kinder feeling concerning horses and their riders.😃

Danny realized he was crazy and stubborn by thinking anyone could get on any horse and ride just like they did in westerns, and for not listening to us when we tried to help.  He was happy to sell Renegade to a fellow boarder who immediately changed Renegade's name to Star and went on to train her into a beloved horse her grandchildren rode for many happy years.😃

As far as Danny, he continued to tinker on cars yet we all absolutely refused to let him ever tinker with any of OURS...🤣

Renegade in "custody" while Danny signs papers inside

The Accident...

Since I understandably have been asked what happened to Aiden's horse Sierra after he died, 

and about the accident too, I shall touch on these today.  

It is still very emotionally hard for me to revisit the accident even after all these years.

Aiden loved scuba diving.  Like roller coasters, scuba diving was also something we could not do together due to my lack of height, though I so would have loved to do these.  Yet we did snorkel together when we could.

While on a business trip to Florida Aiden stayed an extra day so he could go scuba diving at a place he had been to once before.  He had taken his scuba diving suit along, but of course needed to rent an oxygen tank.

Alone, Aiden was diving not far offshore.  Because he failed to return after the oxygen tank would have become empty, divers immediately went out looking for him in the area he was diving.  

We will never know exactly what happened, but something went wrong with the oxygen tank and apparently he became incapacitated before he could surface and died.  Tears are running down my cheeks writing this.  It's the not knowing what he went through and the terror he must have had. 

Because we were living together the coroner in Florida contacted the coroner in the city we lived, who came to break the news to me, in addition to needing more information.  The worst moment of my life.  It then fell upon me to inform his dear parents.

Aiden's parents lived in another town.  Because 

it was after 10pm and I was alone and not in any shape to make the long drive, I had no choice but 

to call them.  Until I got them BOTH on the phone, 

I tried to sound as normal as I could.  Yet they immediately knew something was wrong by a 

catch they heard in my voice.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

We broke down.

Somehow in the midst of profound sorrow with 

the blur of days, arrangements were made and a Memorial Service was held.  

Aiden's parents then drove to Florida because they wanted to see exactly where he died and talk to all who were there that day.  And to be taken out in a boat to spread rose petals where he was found.

There was no question BUT that Sierra would remain with Patches and under my care.  Sierra was nineteen at the time.  One day when she was twenty-two I called their names as usual, and only Patches came.  Immediately I knew something wasn't right, and got on Patches to find her.  

I found her laying on her side.  Thankfully Sierra appeared to have gone peacefully, with no signs of struggle, colic or other things.  The vet said her heart just stopped.  She even had a mouthful of grass she had been chewing.  I could envision the two galloping across the stars, and that FINALLY, Sierra was letting Aiden catch her to ride.🤩💫

Obviously Aiden's death was the most devastating on his parents and myself.  Especially when I had to cancel all our wedding arrangements.  The day of what would have been our wedding day a month after he died was especially hard.

Though I remained very close to Aiden's parents, and we would talk each week for the remainder of their lives, soon after Sierra died a theatre needed me, and off Patches and I went for what became my last theatre job and final move due to my failing health.

Aiden's father really had a difficult time with losing his son and as I later learned, grieved terribly for me and the lifetime together Aiden and I were to share now gone, knowing how happy and in love we were.  Four years after Aiden died his father had a massive heartattack and passed away.

Aiden's mother sold the house and moved into an independent care type home.  Later she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and although 

she gave it a hard fight, lost her battle.

My heart still aches with the intense deep sadness of losing the one I loved so deeply and always will.  I am so grateful for the time we had.  

Some have often asked why I don't feel cheated by having had so many heartbreaking losses and challenges my whole life, besides all the physical ones too.  They say I could easily be excused for feeling anger and bitterness.  Perhaps, but I saw at a very young age how anger and bitterness destroy people, causing terrible pain, fear, and anguish for a innocent child and resolved to never let these have power to destroy me too.

And I haven't.  As my journey hopefully attests, no matter what I have lived through and continue to I have borne my pain without losing heart.  May you all find the inspiration and strength to do the same.  

One thing I have learned most on this journey of mine is courage must be held in our grasp to not lose heart, my dear ones.😍💫 

             I looked and suddenly he was gone.

Once Upon A Time In A Theatre...

The following two pieces are not enough for a blog entire, yet will hopefully bring laughter by my having shared them.  Because if ANYTHING goes wrong during a theatre production one can be sure it will happen on an Opening Night.  And one Opening Night did it ever...

This event happened at a theatre I designed for in a town with a huge amount of support from play attendance and its patrons.  Especially when "Annie," 

the famous musical about Little Orphan Annie was scheduled one season.

Now keep in mind Annie had a beloved dog named Sandy.  So in our production "Sandy" was being played by Ranger.  And anytime an animal is involved in a stage production the unexpected often happens.

Also keep in mind the character of Daddy Warbucks, Annie's wealthy benefactor who eventually adopts her

is bald.  Jackson, the actor playing the very bald Daddy Warbucks had a very thick head of lovely hair which necessitated a skull cap to hopefully give Jackson the appearance of being bald.

And finally, keep in mind a "iron" spiral staircase was needed as part of the set.  I had been told the staircase would not be used by anyone and was needed only for 

a visual effect of the time period.  So my intern and I constructed an amazing spiral staircase made out of wood I painted to look just like real iron, yet not built to support anyone as required.  Inaddition the "iron" spiral staircase further created the illusion the stairs were 

real ones for the audience with the appearance they were as high as the proscenium arch.

Now then Theatre Lighting can contribute to making actors become sweaty especially if there is singing involved.  And dancing.  Lo and behold all of a sudden Jackson's skull cap went flying high in the air landing 

far up on the spiral staircase.🤣 

In very quick succession Ranger the Sandy suddenly broke character and charged up the staircase to get this amazing "toy" which suddenly had just appeared.

Following right behind Ranger without thinking was Jackson too as we watched in horror from the wings.  With both the weight of Ranger and Jackson now on one side of the staircase it began tilting precariously to that side, coming to rest on a theatre light.  Not good, not good.😬

Meanwhile Annie and all the kids began laughing like crazy which then caused the Opening Night audience 

to lose it.  Of course they had no clue to the horrors those of us backstage were experiencing at that moment as to how to stop this unfolding catastrophe happening before us.😱 

It was also at this precise moment the Stage Manager standing behind me suddenly made a very interesting observation.  

Ed said, "You know, it would be awesome if somebody had a camera to capture for posterity the wide eyed look we're seeing on Jackson's face just now."

Devon, the Lighting Designer who wasn't as concerned about the possibility of electrocution as the rest of us responded, "Oh yeah, trapped on the Leaning Tower Of Stairs with a dog, caught by a theatre light before a sold out house currently drowning in laughter is the perfect moment for a photoshoot!"😂 

Devon had a point.

Suddenly Ranger made the decision to take a high flying leap onto Daddy Warbuck's desk scattering everything on the desk off the desk including a vintage looking round snow globe on a stand.  The snow globe then began rolling across the stage and into the orchestra pit where it dropped onto the head of a percussionist who was knocked silly.  Then Ranger with the prize skullcap dangling from his mouth ran straight to his handler in the wings.  

Immediately without Ranger's weight no longer on the staircase it rapidly shifted which quick thinking Jackson used to his full advantage by throwing his weight in the opposite direction.  This very daring, amazing feat not only miraculously freed the staircase from the theatre light but righted it back into its place without anyone getting electrocuted in the process!👏

By this time our costumer had located another skullcap which Jackson replaced upon his head, then continued his performance just as if none of this Leaning Tower 

Of Stairs moment had ever occurred.  Now THAT takes class!🤩

We all felt quite fortunate to learn after the performance the critic to review this Opening Night fiasco had been unable to make it but would come the next night.  The Theatre Gods were looking down upon us!🙏🎭

Jackson, being the dedicated wise actor he was did a very noble thing right after the performance.  He shaved off his wonderful head of hair so there would never be a repeat of Opening Night for the remainder of "Annie's" run.

All of us backstage just loved the song the cast of "Annie" sang each night titled, "It's A Hard Knock Life."  And often it was, it really was.  For you see, at times our hard knock lives working backstage creating that wonderous theatre magic could certainly encounter the unexpected now and then and make us just for a very brief moment try to recall why we chose this life.  Yet none of us would have ever...EVER changed it for all the wealth beyond a rainbow.

Because there IS no business like show business.🎭

As my career as a Theatre Scene Designer began winding down a play called for a ornate coffin.  No problem.  My intern and I constructed a basic looking coffin which I painted to look like a fancy bronze one with ornate fixtures.

The audience would not be able to see in it as the coffin opening was hidden from their view.  They would only see the back of the open lid.  What could possibly go wrong?!!

Of course none of us could forsee what the new crazy young acting intern would do.  He dressed like a clown and hid in the coffin.  No one knew he was there.  

The scene was of course a sad one as it was a sad play.  As the "grieving" actors stood before the coffin that crazy intern suddenly made his presence known to the actors but remained unseen by the audience.  Well, that is he would have been.

Unfortunately he so startled the grieving actors one of them said, "Oh I can't bear to see father like this!"  And  suddenly slammed the lid down in anger at the intern.  Only the lid happened to slam down on the intern's hand which by the way not only caused him to very loudly yell an, "Oh F-Bomb," but to then leap right out of the coffin in a rush to get off stage.  

Dressed as a friggin clown.

Obviously this not only ruined the big very sad moment in the play for the audience but made them confused as hell by suddenly seeing a clown mind you, make a flying leap out of the coffin which was supposed to have contained someone very dead in it!  

Sadly the coffin lid broke into pieces as it was never designed to be slammed shut.  Now THIS event in turn nearly caused the Scene Designer to put the crazy intern permanently in a real coffin but the Executive Director sent the intern packing before the Scene Designer could get her hands on him.😂🎭

The Caper Of Our Lives...

Sometimes when one is hospitalized for a long period one can make a friend for a lifetime... 

 

When my blood counts were plunging out of control my doctors wanted to try a new drug that went into the bone marrow.  So I was admitted to a pediatric cancer ward in my twenties.  

However, there was another young man my age named Michael who was battling leukemia like most on the ward much younger than us.  We immediately bonded and became the "pied pipers" of the ward.  

Years prior to this I had read the beautiful book written by Doris Lund detailing her amazing son's leukemia battle.  Eric was diagnosed at 17, fought hard, yet died age 22 in 1972.  

One of the things Eric did once while hospitalized for a long while was to put a live goldfish in what looked like a glass I.V. bottle then attached a line which appeared to go into his arm.  When his team of doctors came in they saw him uncharacteristically hunkered down in bed.  They asked what was wrong.  Eric replied, "I'm feeling very scaly."  That's when the doctors then noticed the goldfish and loved it.  

So this brings it back to Michael and I...  

When we both weren't desperately ill from the treatments we were getting we found ways to keep ourselves going and the whole ward going with courage and laughter.  Since the ward was kept in very sterile conditions we were isolated so moments of laughter in the midst of hell could go a long way.  

One day I told Michael about Eric and that was all it took.  We had to try to do what we then called The Goldfish Caper.

Our first priority was to make absolutely sure no goldfish would be harmed in any way.  Since we were confined to the ward we had to enlist our friends "on the outside" to help.  And it all had to be done secretly.

First, I had a friend get a large glass bowl for the fish, besides a decanter which resembled the glass I.V. bottles on the ward.  I painted numbers on so it would appear real.  Michael was able to get his hands on some I.V. tubing.

Then Michael had a friend get two goldfish and food.  We were ready.  

The next morning we got Michael situated when the doctors came to make their rounds on the ward.  I expressed concern to them that Michael wasn't doing well at all.  They entered his room.  Saw him "miserably" hunkered down in his bed.  Concerned, they asked what was wrong.

"Doctors, I feel very scaly inside," said Michael.

That's when they suddenly caught sight of the goldfish in the I.V. bottle.  I don't think I have ever seen doctors laugh so hard!  Then we were applauded.  They loved it!  We were immediate heroes of the ward for the kids.  Soon the whole place heard what we did.

I treasure the memory of this because Michael later lost his fight.  We had talked about death and dying late nights when the ward was quiet.  For at night was the time to stare deeply at our hopes and fears and talk.

This has been another one of those "deeper the sorrow, the more joy" moments of many on my journey.  For you see, had I not been so ill with plummeting blood counts I never would have known Michael.

And never had the "Goldfish Caper."

Oh, and the two goldfish?  

They blissfully lived a long time on the ward.  I later heard the nurses had named them Michael and Adelaide.🐎😃🐎💕💫

The Greatest Gift...

One October evening long ago my dear mentor friends Joseph, Jackie, Ella, Nora, and me stood before the flames of a small fire.  In my hands I held a large piece of posterboard I had made months earlier.  

"Are you ready?" asked Joseph.

"Yes."

"First Adelaide, I want you to know how proud I am of your courage and the miracle of what you achieved.  We all are, and we love you.  We celebrate this moment with you.  Remember this always." 

As I placed the posterboard onto the fire, I watched the flames symbolically burn the last painful remnant of my childhood from hell.  I was free.  And I WILL forever remember that moment...

Chantal wrote:  The greatest gift one can give to another person, is a deeper understanding of life, and the ability to love and believe in self.

The key words in my cherished quote above, are "the ability to love and believe in self."

Growing up in the horrendous childhood I had, didn't exactly instill a good self image, which further was not helped by also being the constant "object" of ridicule and rude comments out in public too.

I was very blessed though with the four amazing, dear mentor friends when I needed help the most while I was a young seventeen year old living on my own.  Each were many years older than me.

Joseph made me see how my upbringing and the onslaught of mean public ridicule caused me to carry 

"a dwarf card."  I was doing extraordinary things besides galloping across fields upon my horses, yet felt terribly helpless against the overwhelming negative feelings the rudeness kept evoking.

You see my mother blamed me for the way people stared and chanted "midget" at me with scorn.  She would rage at me constantly saying it was all my fault people did this.  What was a child like me supposed to do with THIS?

I later learned parents of a child with dwarfism pour on reassurance embracing the child in love, instilling within them from an early age their worth, their uniqueness and how special they are.  And to not let the staring or ugliness define who they are.  Most of all, showing how much they matter.

Joseph had me use my artistic abilities to make what he called a "Dwarf Card" on large poster board made to look just like a real credit card.  Only this "credit card" entitled one to feel.  He then had me list all the negative, paralyzing feelings which arose each time I was so rudely ridiculed.  

Then we went through them all one by one, discussing them.  One for instance was a feeling of deep shame.  Joseph made me see I had absolutely no reason to feel shame, especially with all the amazing things I could do and the strong person I am.  He enabled me to see how I was allowing strangers and all the ways my mother blamed me have power with their terrible words.

After we talked about all the things on my "dwarf card" one by one and worked through each one over a period of time we had that grand burning ceremony which became my "freeing" ceremony.  Through Joseph I slayed, and I mean SLAYED the dragon of my mother and the ugly deep pain the "midget" word had instilled within me.

All I needed was the right person to guide me when I needed it the most back then.  In fact all four of my dear mentor friends gave me a crash course with all 

the love, acceptance, and feelings of worth so sadly missing from my childhood.  They also taught me how to no longer fear being touched with violence, and what to be hugged was like.

I was given the greatest treasure I could ever be given then, for I was given the priceless ability to love and believe in self.

We are all unique, my dear ones.  May you love and believe in yourself.  Walk tall and embrace your very unique worth with gratitude...💫