When one spends such a great amount of time in hospitals including pediatric and adult cancer wards too, one sees a lot.
My first experience witnessing a terrible death in a hospital was when I was during my first spine surgery and then learning to walk again. For several days the hospital became so busy cancer patients had to be admitted to beds on the Neurosurgery Wing.
A lady named Mrs. Shields was in the room across the hall from me. She was not very old but bless her heart, had been so terribly ravaged by cancer she appeared ancient. And she was not expected to live much longer.
She was terrified and apparently whatever she was given for pain her last day was not enough. For hours she screamed and cried, then kept thrashing in her bed. Her family was VERY distraught as would be expected.
All of this I couldn't help but hear and witness too that long horrible day as her door kept being left wide open. And mine. I couldn't get out of bed on my own yet to shut it as I still barely had any leg function. It was awful. I still have these terrible images I so wish I could erase from my mind.
Sometimes these days I have what I call my "ten second moments," when I fear my own impending death though knowing exactly where my faith will be taking me. Because I already live with such horrendous pain and sickness my ten second moments may hit me with the "how much worse can it get if it is THIS bad NOW" kind of fear.
The first was Josh who was fourteen years old who had been fighting a rare form of cancer for much of his young life. Finally nothing more could be done. With his parents and a minister at his beside Josh was no longer conscious. All at once Josh awoke exclaiming, "Mom! Dad! WOW, look at the angels! They're so beautiful!" And he slipped away. His parents and the minister felt they had been given a tremendous gift. And they had, for you see, they were given what touchingly was known as being the "Heaven Window."
Marcy was six and dying after a long leukemia battle. She had been unconscious for hours with her parents by her side. Suddenly she sat bolt upright happily telling her parents Grandpa Hogan was there to take her to Heaven. Then she slumped over and was gone.
Grandpa Hogan, Marcy's Great Grandfather had died years before Marcy was born. She never even knew him other than seeing him in a few old photographs. Her parents were both grieving and happy at the same time, realizing they too had been given the miracle comfort gift of the "Heaven Window."
So whenever I have one of my "ten second moments," I jerk my thoughts away to all the bright images I have in my mind of the "Heaven Window," knowing without a doubt, I too will also one day soar right through it.
A lady named Mrs. Shields was in the room across the hall from me. She was not very old but bless her heart, had been so terribly ravaged by cancer she appeared ancient. And she was not expected to live much longer.
She was terrified and apparently whatever she was given for pain her last day was not enough. For hours she screamed and cried, then kept thrashing in her bed. Her family was VERY distraught as would be expected.
All of this I couldn't help but hear and witness too that long horrible day as her door kept being left wide open. And mine. I couldn't get out of bed on my own yet to shut it as I still barely had any leg function. It was awful. I still have these terrible images I so wish I could erase from my mind.
Sometimes these days I have what I call my "ten second moments," when I fear my own impending death though knowing exactly where my faith will be taking me. Because I already live with such horrendous pain and sickness my ten second moments may hit me with the "how much worse can it get if it is THIS bad NOW" kind of fear.
Yet only for a "ten second moment" though because I quickly jerk myself out of such fear. I also focus on two other far different passings in the pediatric oncology ward which happened when I was there.
The first was Josh who was fourteen years old who had been fighting a rare form of cancer for much of his young life. Finally nothing more could be done. With his parents and a minister at his beside Josh was no longer conscious. All at once Josh awoke exclaiming, "Mom! Dad! WOW, look at the angels! They're so beautiful!" And he slipped away. His parents and the minister felt they had been given a tremendous gift. And they had, for you see, they were given what touchingly was known as being the "Heaven Window."
Marcy was six and dying after a long leukemia battle. She had been unconscious for hours with her parents by her side. Suddenly she sat bolt upright happily telling her parents Grandpa Hogan was there to take her to Heaven. Then she slumped over and was gone.
Grandpa Hogan, Marcy's Great Grandfather had died years before Marcy was born. She never even knew him other than seeing him in a few old photographs. Her parents were both grieving and happy at the same time, realizing they too had been given the miracle comfort gift of the "Heaven Window."
So whenever I have one of my "ten second moments," I jerk my thoughts away to all the bright images I have in my mind of the "Heaven Window," knowing without a doubt, I too will also one day soar right through it.
And maybe, even upon a horse with wings.
No comments:
Post a Comment