Theatre Hilarity 2...

As touched on last week, one cannot work in Theatre for decades without witnessing or being part of some hilarious situations.  The following two pieces are too brief for a blog entire, yet hopefully are enjoyed...

For a small theatre production of "The Wizard 

Of Oz," Matt, the Director who came to town specifically to do this play had an attitude.  In fact he was downright rude and pompous as hell.

Matt was also determined to squeeze a Broadway production out of a little one despite the budget.  As the Dress Rehearsal was underway Matt suddenly jumped up from his seat in the House yelling, "This just isn't working!  We just can't do Toto using a stuffed Toto toy!  I won't have it!"

Our Artistic Director Carrie tried to reason with Matt, "But Matt, tomorrow is Opening Night!  Even if we find a dog like Toto too many things can go wrong using a live animal!  Let alone not having the time to rehearse using one!"

"I don't care!" bellowed Matt.  "We're using a real dog even if I have to go out and buy one!"

True to his word Matt arrived late the next afternoon with Wally, The Toto.  Unfortunately though Wally The Toto appeared a bloated.

I asked, "Uh Matt have you been feeding Wally 

anything?"

"Of course I have!  Two big slices of pizza loaded with cheeses and all the works!  You should have seen that little dog wolf it all down!"

This definitely was not looking good.

The House was packed that night.

At the scene after Miss Gulch has taken Toto from Dorothy and has Toto in her basket when he then escapes, Matt's plan was to be in the wings.  Then Wally The Toto would run to him thus exiting the stage...so said Matt.

However as Matt waited in the wing for Wally The Toto to make his escape, Maggie the Stage Manager tried to tell Matt of a rather urgent problem she had been made aware of from the Miss Gulch, Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, and Dorothy actors.  

Matt very rudely yelled at Maggie, "Can't you see I'm busy?!!  SHUT UP!"

So the moment came for Wally The Toto to make 

his grand escape from the basket.

Oh he did all right.  But not to Matt.  Wally The Toto was running all over the set.  Then Matt being the pompous idiot he was just totally lost it not giving a damn about rushing out on stage before a packed House to chase Wally The Toto down.

He really should have listened to Maggie though, because you see all over stage front Wally The Toto had been depositing these very stinking, very loose piles of "pizza loaded with cheeses and the works" all during Act I.

As we watched the following scene unfold before 

us from the wings we all began dying in helpless hysterics.

For Matt lost his balance when he slid into the mess at stage front.  Kept trying to get up but couldn't as things were so slippery you see.  Matt probably did not consider how fortunate he was at this point that the role of Toto had not been written for a Great Dane.

He had to CRAWL off the stage dripping in dog shit as Wally The Toto ferociously barked at him while the audience including the critic in attendance were drowning in laughter.

Sooo for the remainder of the brief run of this play Wally The Toto was replaced with the stuffed toy Toto as before.  Then we heard Matt The Pompous who was a bit less pompous skipped town with Wally The Toto never to be seen (or smelled) again.

If anything can go wrong during a play it usually 

is due to what we call a "momentary brain fart." This is when an actor suddenly cannot remember a line rehearsed and performed a thousand times without incident until that very brain fart happens.

However royally missing one's cue to come on stage can also REALLY set into motion some very trying, yet hilarious situations for the cast members already on stage desperately waiting for the one who is screwing up, which by the way usually happens before a packed House.

Act III of a play involved a death scene and Jeremy was the one dying.  He came very close TO dying when Andrew failed to appear.

Imagine this:  here's Jeremy's character about to 

croak laying in a lounge chair.  For the tender final scene Andrew is supposed to help the dying Jeremy return to bed.  But for some reason there suddenly is no Andrew!

Jeremy:  "Ohhh Andrew, where ARE you?  I'm dying, I mean REALLY DYING ALONE OUT HERE!  Shall I have to struggle putting myself into bed all alone too?  Andrew, how could you leave me like this?  I can barely make it to the bed!"

STILL no Andrew!  Everyone backstage was trying to find him.  

Meanwhile continuing on stage...

Jeremy:  "Ohhh Andrew, commom, where ARE you?  You were going to sing me a song!  How can I die without you here to sing me on my way?  I don't even know the words to the music you were going to sing to me because those were YOUR lines to learn!  NOT MINE!"

All Jeremy could think of were the words to, "Take Me Home Country Roads," and began belting them out as loud as he could forgetting he was supposed to be dying!  Only "Country Roads" had NOTHING to do with the play!  Even so Jeremy belted them out anyway!

By now the audience was drowning in laughter.  We in the wings were drowning in laughter.  Even Jeremy had totally lost it.

Then Andrew appears!

"Andrew, where the hell have you been?!!"

"Would you believe me if I told you my car broke down?"

"In the middle of this play?!!  Are you crazy?!!  No way in hell would I believe you!  By the way I'm going to die now."

Andrew REALLY got himself into some deep shit though.  And the REASON he lost all track of time?!!

It was because he was on the phone trying to teach his baby daughter how to say "Dada" before saying "Mama," so he wouldn't lose a bet he had with his wife.🙄