I have touched on briefly the horrors of my childhood, focusing more on the friends and bright aspects of my young journey instead. Today I am opening that door wider. Yet what this especially shows is not so much the sorrow of abuse but the sheer determination I had to not let it define me. Also how the miracles of my four mentor friends being there when needed most to love me on my way. And did they ever.
As a child the way my "missing" mother handled my being gawked at was to constantly "hiss" to me, "It's all your fault! You're the reason they're staring at us!"
What is a child in my body supposed to do with that?
I had to hear it constantly and have it pointed out to
me how it was all my fault for something I had no way of changing. I cannot begin to put into words the helplessness and humiliation I felt inside. Later when my mentor friend Joseph came up with The Dwarf Card this is why I was able to free myself and rise above what was instilled so deeply in me.
As I touched on here previously my alcoholic father took me deep into a woods one winter when I was five with the intent to abandon me. After he drove away he realized what he was doing and returned. Yet I never forgot that terror and feeling of abandonment because
I KNEW he was abandoning me.
The violence through the years was never ending. Drunken beatings for no reason and I always felt the dwarfism was why. Since I never knew the direction my father's rages would take, what may work one time to keep him from as much violence would not work the next, so I lived in constant fear.
When I was young and began crying his rage became worse so I made myself stifle my tears. I was a young adult before my four mentor friends helped me learn how to cry and feel safe crying. Eventually I could finally get all the painful sorrow of the years out.
They also had to show me what it was like to be touched GENTLY too for at first I would literally cringe when touched and pull back. Yet at the same time I was starved for hugs and loving words. Nora, the devil she could be at times really went out of her way to keep hugging me determined to free me from cringing when touched, and believe me she did. Soon it was hard to believe I ever cringed when touched because I began making up for lost time hugging them!
I was seventeen when my father went into his last drunken rage badly injuring me. The more I tried to fight back the worse he became. As soon as I could I called Ella who immediately came to get me late at night and I left. Since Ella lived out of my school district and I had yet to finish high school Jackie's elderly mother had a room available so I stayed there.
I believe in miracles because my art is what threw open the door to the dearest friends I could possibly have who were there when I needed help the most. Just very special people who cared. And loved. They would say I am the reason miracles unfolded in my journey but I believe they are.
Gibran wrote, "The deeper sorrow carves into our soul the more joy we attain."
Though the often horrific sorrows of my childhood deeply carved into my soul, my courage and resolve with the miracles of four very special mentor friends
are why I soared and attained joy.
Oh, so much joy!🐎💕💫
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