The Reason Why...

That which doesn't break us makes us stronger.

I have often been asked what I think my life could have been like had I not been height challenged.  At times I have wondered this too.  As my parents were both unstable alcoholics long before I came along there is a chance without being born height challenged I could have followed their path which is chilling.  

As it is, I came packaged with an indomitable spirit, sense of humour, positivity, creativity, boldness...all the things needed for my life for whatever reasons why.  If nothing else then but the ways I have had to surmount the many daunting neverending challenges my whole way that others may be inspired.  At least this is what I hope.

I have touched on briefly the horrors of my childhood, focusing more on the friends and bright aspects of my young journey instead.  Today I am opening that door wider.  Yet what this especially shows is not so much the sorrow of abuse, but the sheer determination I had to not let it define me, and the miracles of my four mentor friends being there when needed most, to love me on my way.  And did they ever.

As a child the way my mother handled my being gawked at, was to constantly "hiss" to me, "It's all your fault!  You're the reason they're staring at us!"  Then she would rush off in anger.

What is a child in my body supposed to do with that?

I had to hear it constantly, and have it pointed out to 

me how it was all my fault, for something I had no way of changing.  I cannot begin to put into words the helplessness and humiliation I felt.  Later when Joseph came up with The Dwarf Card, this is why I was able to free myself and rise above what was instilled so deeply in me.

As I touched on here previously, my father took me deep into a woods in winter when I was five with the intent to abandon me.  When he drove away, he realized what he was doing and returned.  Yet I never forgot that terror and feeling of abandonment because I KNEW he was abandoning me.

The violence through the years was never ending.  Drunken beatings for no reason, and I always felt the dwarfism was why.  Since I never knew the direction my father's rages would take, what may work one time to keep him from as much violence would not work the next, and I lived in constant fear.

When I was young and began crying, his rage became worse, so I made myself stifle my tears.  I was a young adult before my four mentor friends helped me learn how to cry and feel safe crying.  Eventually, I could finally get all the painful sorrow of the years out.

They also had to show me what it was like to be touched GENTLY too, for at first I would literally cringe when touched and pull back.  Yet at the same time, I was starved for hugs and loving words.  Nora, the devil she could be at times, really went out of her way to keep hugging me, determined to free me from cringing when touched, and believe me, she did.  Soon it was hard to believe I ever cringed when touched, because I began making up for lost time hugging them!

I was seventeen when my father went into his last drunken rage badly injuring me.  The more I tried to fight back the worse he became.  As soon as I could I called Ella, who immediately came to get me late at night, and I left.  Since Ella lived out of my school district and I had yet to finish high school, Jackie's elderly mother had a room available so I stayed there.

I believe in miracles, because my art is what threw open the door to the dearest friends I could possibly have who were there when I needed help the most.  Just very special people who cared.  And loved.  They would say I am the reason miracles unfolded in my journey, but I believe they are.

Gibran wrote, "The deeper sorrow carves into our soul the more joy we attain."

Though the often horrific sorrows of my childhood deeply carved into my soul, my courage and resolve with the miracles of four very special mentor friends 

are why I soared and attained joy.  

Oh, so much joy!

Just think, had I not been born height challenged with the kind of childhood I had so many wonderful, funny, amazing, inspiring things would not have happened you are reading about here!  

My unique set of circumstances are why my journey has been a gift of joyful attainment for myself and the many who have encountered me.  

And now for you.