Cancer and holding on...

When the day is long and the night is yours alone,  

When you've had enough, hang on.
Everybody cries and everybody hurts.
Sometimes everything is wrong.
If you feel like letting go, hold on, hold on.
Take comfort in your friends.
Hold on, hold on.
                     ~From the REM song "Everybody Hurts" 

 

All of us at times, especially these days, have those places in our journeys where we feel deeply the tragedy of life.  Those moments when we can feel utterly overwhelmed by it.🥺

Several years ago, due to some issues I was having, a biopsy was done.  As soon as my doctor received the results, he called me.  

"Adelaide, I'm terribly sorry to have to tell you this...you have advanced uterine cancer and we must perform an emergency hysterectomy."  

"How soon?" I asked.

"Tomorrow morning."😱  

After surgery, my oncologist wanted me to have radiation.  Only much to his horror and frustration he discovered it would be impossible for me.  Due to the severe curvature of my spine pushing my bladder in a higher position than normal, it was right in the "line of fire."  After consulting with other oncologists it was decided the radiation would cause such severe destruction, it had to be ruled out.  

Nor could chemo be done either, due to my severe anemia and hemophilia problems and previous bone marrow treatments.  In other words, we could not do ANYTHING.  

"So we're screwed?"

"Not if I can help it.  I want to make some phone calls first."  

My dear oncologist called everywhere without success, trying so hard to find SOME way to blast any potentially remaining cancer cells into oblivion.  He was NOT happy.  I was coming to the realization my only option would be to literally throw everything into believing we somehow got all the cancer cells out.  To embrace this belief. 

After all, this is the person who willed her toes, feet, legs into walking again, twice, was still living an amazing life, and flying without wings on her horse.  

Yet this still wasn't quite like walking again.  For one 
thing, I was a whole lot older, had endured many more debilitating surgeries and five more spine surgeries too, since learning to walk again both times.  Besides, seeing my legs was one thing.  Cells cannot be seen.  For the first time since my horrendous childhood, I suddenly felt very weary and overwhelmed.🥺  

By then, the severe spinal cord inflammation disease was taking its toll, terribly affecting both my bladder and colon/digestive tract function.  I had already begun having the awful bouts of nausea with it.  Besides being extremely painful too.  And as I have touched on not a thing can be done about this.  It can and is only worsening.  As if that wasn't enough, we were still fighting the blood condition I have.  

Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone, only some become strong at the broken places."  

And that which doesn't break us, makes us stronger.  

As you may have gathered by now, I have never been one to be broken though.🙂  

We never know how strong we are until we recognize  and embrace our inner divine strength, because it is there however we believe.  Sometimes it takes an inner spark of courage to ignite it to surmount tough, daunting circumstances, but it is there.  I always refer to this as my indomitable spirit.💖

Do you know what else is there?  Friends.  

For you see, I was in a new city where I was working at a small theatre.  And yes, Patches was with me too.  I had already made new friends, as I always do.  At such a time though, I was missing my three dear mentor friends I had known for decades, Nora, Ella, and Joseph.  The three were much older than me and each taught me so much about life.  And taught me what love was.  Through me, they had also become close friends with each other too.

While my dear oncologist was searching what he could do to help me, I had to remain in the hospital.

One afternoon, as I was staring out the window, I thought I was losing it, because it sounded like Nora, Ella, and Joseph were in the hallway.  Suddenly, at that very moment in walked Nora, Ella, and Joseph!  I was never so surprised to see these friends in all our journey!  And thrilled.  They had been on the road for hours just to be there with me.  I had them stay at my apartment.

The three remained for a few days and their presence touched me deeply.  And was exactly what I needed.  Because of our long shared history, we talked and laughed a lot, reminiscing, as one can with longtime friends.  Also, they spoke with all my doctors, which helped them understand everything that could be done was being done.

Within a few years following this visit, all three passed away.  Yet they live on in my heart.  For the love we live in life remains after we have gone.💕

So far no cancerous cells have been found, but my oncologists remain very guarded.  They feel they need to be.  But they also very strongly praise my courage and fighting spirit.

It is said the more we love and are loved in life, the more alive in spirit we are.  And even more why we become strong at the broken places too.  Trust me, I know.🙂

Hold on, hold on, my dear ones.💕🐎